When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
