I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
