It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
