I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
