You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
