Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize