My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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