3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
