I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
