3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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