This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
