she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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