shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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