eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
