my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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