Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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