Got a toothbrush?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
where does the pee come out of this thing
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
