I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
