Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
