You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
