Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
