There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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