someone threw a dead crab at me
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
