All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
