The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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