The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I touched a dick in church today
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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