I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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