So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
