When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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