Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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