Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
