our cab driver is having phone sex.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
