I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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