I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
