the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
