I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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