So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize