drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
