Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
