The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
