talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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