I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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