awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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