3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
where are my eyebrows?
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