your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
