the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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