R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Say something about gay babies.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize