Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
