I just saw a hot homeless man
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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