Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
