so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
