Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
