I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
