I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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