my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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