She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
