Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
