Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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