Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I didn't notice because vodka
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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