Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
