Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
